Wow. What a week.
Remember how I told you that this blog was a recovery mode for me? That’s how it all began. I needed a place to unleash all of the anger and confusion that was swimming around my dad’s passing. I had to give it some place to land or I feared I’d be nothing short of damaged goods. My heart was broken and I needed to revive it, so the journey began. I wanted to document the changes that were happening in my life – the letting go of material possessions that became almost effortless, the dwindling of relationships no longer meant for me, the major shift in priorities, and the actual need to just slow. on. down.
Well this week I found myself in hard core recovery mode. I was in the thick of something sticky – so much so it brought on a debilitating migraine that rocked me to my core and left me feeling out of sorts for a couple of days. I couldn’t figure out how I got there so quickly, and why it was taking me so long to get out of this rut – because usually when this happens, I’m able to bounce back at least within a day, if not sooner. But this time – this time was different. I was hard core stuck, in such a fog, and I couldn’t see up from down.
What in the actual hell was happening?
Like always, I called my sister. She and I have this relationship I don’t ever, ever take for granted. I consider it a superpower the way we’re so readily an easily able to show up for one another in the exact way that either of us need. I’m not kidding when I tell you that in my entire life, she’s never said the wrong thing. Are we twins? It feels like that sometimes. We talked for an hour and a half, and through her own chaos of raising three beautiful babies, she yet again knew exactly what to say to me.
We talked about the heartache I was putting on myself when it came to the demons I fight when I’m missing my dad or when my ego is controlling my intuition and can’t seem to pin point what it is in that moment. I become a little impulsive. I’m more emotional than usual (and dare I say even a little needy). I do things simply because that’s what I’ve seen done before rather than doing what feels really good to me (i.e “retail therapy” instead of going for a walk in the snow with my dog or free writing in my journal) I never feel good when I spend money on unnecessary items that aren’t truly fulfilling me — yet there I was. Calling my sister from the parking lot of TJMaxx asking for help.
The good of it is that I found my way back out like I always do. It took a bit longer than I would have preferred, but we’re here. Another lesson learned – another opportunity to trust my instincts and listen to my intention. The answers we need are generally right in front of us – wouldn’t you know.
All that to say: this shit is real. The lifestyle change, the grief, the serious determination to better oneself, the doing it and then the taking a couple steps back.. being human is no easy task. But what’s worse, is when you don’t forgive yourself immediately or call on someone who will give you permission to do so. That’s when the real damage begins.
Forgive yourself. Ok? Be gentle.
Promise me you’ll do that first, and the rest will follow suit.
So that’s all this is. A love note on a Friday to make sure that you know that I don’t always have it all together, you don’t have to either, that I’m in the thick of this just as much as you are, and that nothing is as perfect as it seems.
Except you. You’re perfect just the way you are.
Me, too. Faults and all. x0